Category: thoughts

I have been doing lots of thinking about my life. I feel like I’ve wasted a lot of it since I’m in my thirties and haven’t really done anything. It’s greatly depressing. I’m going for weight loss surgery next year, I really hope I’ll be able to achieve that because it will absolutely change my life and open many doors for me. I’m a very unhealthy person. I’m constantly tired, diabetic, suffer from chronic back and neck and nerve pain, and have had at least two mini strokes. I hate myself in many ways.

I’ve decided I want to become an esthetician. Once I have achieved my goals, I’m going to apply at the college in hickory because they have an esthetician program. The pass rate is 50% because the final exam to become board certified is pretty difficult. But in going to work towards it. I’m tired of being disabled (I’ll always be disabled but I can un-disable myself in some different ways physically) and on the government dole. I hope I can make myself strong enough to work an actual job. As of right now, I’d probably collapse after an hour. Or even less.

So that’s my goal. That’s what I’m working towards starting today. I’m tired of being the way I am. Fuck autism, it can’t hold me back anymore.

Until very recently, I didn’t realize other people had visible, large pores like mine. Looking at makeup tutorials on YouTube helped me realize that is not the case. Plenty of people have large, active pores. I thought I was some kind of freak my whole life, I guess due to seeing so many airbrushed magazine photos of models and stuff.


So this is where we’re at as a society.

I saw my first Karen in the wild at Food Lion today. Amazingly I have never before seen a grown adult pitch a fit in a grocery store. She came up to an employee with a tube of ground meat in each hand and said “when I come back you better have answers for me!!” Then, “this doesn’t concern you” to either me and my mom or the cashier. No idea. As we were walking out, I heard “I’m gonna call the CEO of Food Lion!!”

The king of Food Lion is not gonna talk to you about your meat tubes, lady.

Got my first Gunpla kit! It’s snap-together so it can’t be that difficult…right? 😅


Dude, there were so many trick or treaters out today in an adjacent town, not mine unfortunately, and even though it’s not Hallowe’en yet, I’m glad to see them OUTSIDE and going to businesses for candy, instead of going to dumb trunk-or-treats at fucking churches. Churches ruined hallowe’en around here with that shit. 😑 am I bitter about this? Yes, yes I am. I also think it’s stupid that they’re doing it a couple days before because to me that sort of defeats the purpose. But at least they were outside 😅 when I was a kid, we went out on the actual day of, no matter what day of the week it was, and we went door to door with our parents following us at a distance so we could have fun. We didn’t go to fucking trunk or treats at churches. We did it the fun way. I’m so glad I’m not a kid these days because they’ve taken all the fun out of stuff. I’m happy I got to experience it like I did.

I will say though, one time when I was about nine, I went with a friend on Hallowe’en and she took me to an event at her church. They did a play in which two people, a guy and his girlfriend, got into a car accident and died. The girl was “saved” and the guy wasn’t. Suddenly a guy with a really realistic satan mask runs out from another room and drags the guy just kicking and screaming to hell 😳 I won’t lie when I say it fucking scarred me for life. I had so many nightmares about that shit. I still remember it vividly and feel a little bit of that fear when recalling it. I’m sure fear is what they intended to instill in us which is a form of child abuse imo. Scare the shit out of kids so they’ll get Jesus or whatever. A lot of the time it’ll backfire and make them resent the religion. I can attest to that!

Well, I did it. I cut off all my hair again. I just couldn’t take it anymore >.> I’m gonna dye it a really pale pink. I think I’ll use a color called “rose petal”. Or I might try to find “bubblehead” again. I really liked that one because my hair looked like cotton candy according to everyone else 😀

I’m trying so hard to draw again…I drew for maybe 30-40 mins this afternoon. I guess I should try to do at least 20 mins a day if I want to get my mojo back. I can’t seem to get faces right though…very annoying. Everything just looks kinda off.

I got a new peer support! I really like her. Her name is Ginger :3 We went out and had a good time today and she’s not a total hardass like my last one!

Anyhow…I’ve been watching a lot of Korean makeup tutorials on Youtube and it really makes me want to use makeup. I love how soft the style looks. I’m not really one for really dramatic and harsh looks. I guess I prefer neutrals and pastels. I like those gradient lips too. I’m also kind of addicted to those makeup transformation vids, like when the person TAKES OFF THEIR ENTIRE FACE. I mean the ones that use the tape to change the shape of their face and stuff. I probably wouldn’t use tape but it’s really impressive nonetheless how far people will go to look completely different, or look like how they envision themselves. I love watching those. It’s helpful to people who have small and hooded eyes too. I always want mine to look bigger and it drives me nuts. I am slowly amassing makeup, and I’m going to have mom’s beautician finish my permanent makeup for Christmas. I suck at eyebrows. So might as well just tattoo them on my face!

The new peer support is not working out. I just do not know how to get it through her or their heads that I DONT SLEEP AT NIGHT. Meaning that I am not up in the morning!! What is so hard to understand about that?? Even worse, I feel like they’re watching me like a hawk waiting for me to screw up somehow so they can discharge me again. At least I still have my individual support lady who can always come in the afternoon.

I had to cave and get cable again. It’s pathetic how I cant go without it. Anyhow I got really depressed and just caved. YouTube TV is shite. If it were more user friendly and had a decent interface I probably would have kept it.

I’m really having a hard time with losing my godmom, who was really more of an aunt, and that’s what I called her. I’ll just refer to her as aunt from now on. Her interment is October 15 in Chattanooga TN. Mom won’t let me go with her and dad and it really hurt my feelings. I wouldn’t go to the interment because I don’t do well at funerals or any kind of thing like that. I would have just stayed at the hotel room. But no, she said that would mess up her grieving or something like that which really confused me. Am I that annoying to her? I’m grieving too, you know. Guess my feelings on the issue don’t matter. /shrug

I have anger in me today. My godmother is quickly deteriorating and her relative called my mom today and said she has maybe a day or two to live. The hospital has thrown every medication on earth at her including ivermectin and hydroxychloroquin. None of it has helped and her x-rays show that it is only getting worse. She declined a ventilator and signed a DNR order. Not only am I very sad, but I’m angry.

Mom had a conversation with her neighbor today about this. The neighbor, Tina, asked if she (my godmother) was vaccinated and mom answered no. Tina then went on a rant about unvaccinated people and said she didn’t care if they died. Mom was taken aback and kind of told her off in her own nice way. What really gets under my skin is that Tina said that after she knew my godmother wasn’t vaccinated. I had no idea she was that kind of person. Bitch doesn’t deserve the two cats she has. They’re too good for her.

Some people on the left, much like Tina, tout their compassion and tolerance. It’s a flimsy mask (no pun intended) that tends to slip and reveal their true nature. Been seeing that a lot lately.

My godmother’s impending passing is just as important and tragic as any vaccinated persons. She is no less important or loved. She is no less of a great person because she wasn’t vaccinated. And no one will miss her any less!

I’m a libertarian. I strongly disagree with anti-vaxxers, conspiracists and people who spread lies about vaccines causing autism and “vaccine injuries”. I WISH more people were getting vaccinated. The county I live in is only 40% vaxxed and I wish they weren’t so scared or hesitant because it could save their lives. But I still believe in choice even though it often has consequences.

Still hoping for a miracle…whatever god(s) you pray to, please put in a good word for her.

Ahem. Anyways. Inspections start Monday 😑 Moms friend is coming tomorrow at 8am to deep-clean this bitch. She does an excellent job and doesn’t charge as much as you’d think she would. The property manager said he was doing at least 2 or 3 MORE fucking inspections this year. Really?! I like him a lot but he’s nuts!

Oscar gets his second allergy shot Monday. He only sneets every once in a while now. I hope this will knock it out completely.

Now I gotta clean up a bunch of stuff. I’m tired and just want to lie in bed but I have to get everything put up and out of her way so she can clean tomorrow.

I am back and reinstated at ACA (mental health place)!! I actually went to the CEO of the company and she realized I was done dirty and helped me out. So thank you, nice CEO lady! I am very happy with this outcome!

Anyhow, Monday was…interesting. An earthquake, a tornado and flooding at the same time. I somehow slept through the earthquake but mom said it sounded like an explosion. Kind of wish I could have experienced it 🤔

I’m going to do something completely out of character and make a political comment. I am super glad I didn’t vote for the dessicated old pervert currently in office, considering what he’s done in Afghanistan. I really have no words for the situation other than a feeling of utter disgust and disbelief. And that’s all I’m gonna say on the matter.